Caught betwixt. The different faces and different selves that each of us hold has always fascinated me. The fight for our souls between good and evil. Or is it a fight in our souls? I think that’s why I have been so enthralled with Oscar Wilde since high school. No one seems to embody that inner battle as he. He was so in tune with human nature and yet in his own personal life though he saw the car crash up ahead, it seems as though he was powerless to stop the momentum heading toward his destruction. I’ve seen it in my own life, the poor choices and the continuing on the wrong path, it’s almost out of body how you can watch yourself being self destructive and even derive pleasure in it. I wonder if we aren’t in a way trying to atone for some hidden sin.
Though I pray to have the heart and mind of Christ, I am drawn to darkness. Why am I drawn to darkness—for one thing its immediate and real, I can touch it, smell it, feel it in the here and now. I can connect to it through music and movies and books and art work. God can feel so remote at times. Psalm 119:82 “My eyes fail from searching your word. Saying ‘ When will you comfort me?’ When I read God’s word and in my quiet times of prayer, I am comforted and at peace. I rise from my knees with the knowledge of God’s light within and Christ’s strengthening power. Then life crashes into me. And I like Lot’s wife, though I risk being turned to a pillar of salt and being cut off from God forever, can’t help turning around for one last look at Sodom and Gomorrah. Fascinated with the creature in the dark, waiting, hungry. I think I know enough of the world and human nature to know I’m not alone in this—and reading a thousand tweets of platitudes and bible verses won’t change that. So, what does? Maybe it’s as simple as when you fall into darkness I fall with you, and when I climb into the light, my hand of love is pulling you up with me.