C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed writes at one point that he wanted to strike a blow at God after the death of his wife. I remember feeling so shocked and literally afraid for him and his salvation, upon reading that, that he could feel so much anger and hatred toward God. It has been nearly a year and half since my beloved died and I have been forcing myself out into the world and my friends have all told me how happy they are to see me coming back to life, because when he died I died. Though I have to say, while I care for them and I know they care for me, a lot of times the moment I walk through the doors when I get back home from spending time with them, the grief overwhelms me and I start screaming at the top of my lungs. My poor neighbors.

And while I have never been angry at God for Terence’s sudden death, I have felt so hurt, so bewildered and to be quite honest, while unwavering in my love for God, I have had moments of questioning His love for me. You know, that whole dark moment of the soul thing. I’m still having a hard time understanding why God chose to take away the only person outside of my immediate family that I loved and who loved me. He used to call me ‘beauty and truth’, the irony being, that’s what he was to me, I literally used to get on my knees and thank God for him, that because of him and his love, I could live in this world so cruel, as the Ben Harper song goes. But, the song also continues, how the world can be so cold, and if only the good die young then left with me here to grow old.

I have a dim view of this world and its growing dimmer by the moment, truly I wish it weren’t so, but truth, but truth…

The song continues, the song goes on, So, if the Sun does shine or the rain does fall I give thanks I’ve had my sight to see through it all. And if someday I find my peace of mind, I will share my wealth with all of humankind…I promise, oh God, I promise, if ever I find my peace of mind, I will share it with all of humankind.